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1 Coldstone Creamery Milkshake

June 25, 2012

For Breakfast I had ice water, ibuprofen, and anticipation.

For lunch I had diet lemonade, and dreamed of the evening.

For dinner I had more ice water and a big helping of self pitty.

“Nobody’s making you do this, you know,” laura said while eating a a Thai curry stir fry.  I could smell the garlic, the coconut milk, the spinach and fresh basil from our garden.  My stomach churned.  But I waited.  Saving myself.

Then the pay off!

Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner, desert.

Oh yeah!  The Coldstone gotta have it sized PB&C milkshake.  You’re looking at 2010 calories of chocolaty goodness.

You’re looking at the unhealthiest drink in America.

You’re looking at what I dreamed about all day long and chugged in 5 minutes.

It was 94 degrees outside, and I’d been painting outside in the sun all day.  The blast of air conditioning by itself was enough to make me sure that I’d finally died and gone to heaven.  The unenthusiastic and clearly mandatory “welcome to Coldstone,” I received upon entering the store made me sad for all the people on earth who hate their jobs.

I got the counter and ordered.  “I’ll take whatever you’re largest size of peanut butter and chocolate shake is.”  I waited to see judgement in the server’s eyes…

“You do know you’ll be obese by the time you finish this.”

but all I saw was boredom… and efficiency.  The server quickly pored a dash of milk(or heavy cream perhaps) into a blender, then mixed in seven scoops of chocolate ice cream and a huge clump of peanut butter.  I cheered as the blender began to roar!

I chugged that delicious chocolaty peanut butter heart attack.  I tried to take it slow, but I was so hungry, and hot, and man it was cold and delicious.

“You know that’s 2010 calories, right?” Laura said, eying my milk shake over her ice cream.

“So…”

“So you’re going to have to give me at least a drop.”

Never have I eaten so many calories so quickly.  That thing was barely in my hand before it was history.  Then I felt like this:

Man, I’ve heard people talk about a food coma before, but I don’t think I ever truly experienced one till after this.  Thankfully, when we left the restaurant, Laura was driving.  We had a nice conversation that went something like this:

Laura: “Something something something”

Me: “Really?”

Laura: Something I didn’t hear at all.

Me: “Wow”

Laura: Looks at me like I didn’t say the right thing.

Me: “”Look, I’m kinda trying to digest over here.”

Now, if I had gone on a run instantly, I obviously would have barfed my guts up everywhere.  So I did what any smart person would do and played a round of mini golf first.

Even after two hours of digestion, the run was horrible.

Mile one I burped up peanut butter.

Mile two I had stabbing bilateral side aches.

Mile three I ran out of gas, barely keeping a crawling pace based on sheer willpower.

Nutrition Facts

Calories: 2010 cal
Fat: 131 g
Saturated Fat: 68 g
Sodium: 880 mg
Carbohydrates: 177 g
Sugars: 153 g
Fiber: 9 g
Protein: 46 g
Cholesterol: 375 mg

(that’s the saturated fat of nearly 70 slices of bacon)

Fulness Factor:  Truth, as soon as I ate it I wanted to eat something salty.  Like fries.

Cost: $5.49

Performance: Horrible

Taste: There’s a reason people eat this.

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5 Comments
  1. I know I came late to the party, Ian, but I have been thoroughly entertained, informed, and sometimes more than a little grossed out by your blog! I refrained from commenting in order to get up to date. If you are still open to food suggestions I have 3: Triscuits, peanut butter, and wasabi peas.

    • Hello Jennifer,It is truly gratifying to hear such kind words, and to know that you and your sietsr returned home safely. I apologize about the rainy weather and for the inconvenience of having the performance in a gymnasium. Your comment about the pageant’s “emotional ending” clearly describes how I feel each time I sing “Half Pint”. I get a lump in my throat, and I struggle with getting the words out, and keeping back the tears; I always fear that I do not do the song justice. The song is so emotional for me because, as a father and grandfather, it conjures up memories of when my daughter and granddaughter were small. It makes me aware of how precious each moment we have in life and to make the best of what little time we have left. The human drama, as presented in Laura’s stories, covers the spectrum of emotions that is perhaps unsurpassed in the Americana of children’s literature. The stories of her childhood illustrate the importance of enjoying the simple pleasures of life, howbeit, the beauty of a warm summer day playing in a creek, a true friend, a piece of candy, or the basic essentials of life that are too often overlooked.Thanks again for those very kind words, and I look forward to seeing you again.Phil (Pa Ingalls)

  2. peaj permalink

    Gotta say, I love the graphics you use to accompany your posts. I really like the conversation between you and Laura afterwards and the pictures that go with it – very vivid.

    Also, this definitely sounds like the wrong way to eat – starve yourself so that you can eat all your calories in one nutritionally horrible meal. You probably should have had 6030 calories that day – one milkshake for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

  3. BECKY BRANCH – Hi Laura!!I am a huge fan who aspires to learn to psceors as you do!! I absolutely ADORE your work!! Please fill me in on any training or mentoring that you may do. I am a simgle mother and I work in a mens state prison as an Officer and as all prisons across the US we are overpopulated and understaffed so it is hard to get time off granted for training. I wish for nothing more to get out of this horrible enviorenment before my children and grandchildren have to visit me in a hospital someday or worse as this is no place for women to work!!! I have looked high and low for affordable training that I can get in order to persue this passion of mine. I do have a small business on the side . Trying to build knowledge and clients, with the hopes of someday getting out of here alive and living my dream.Each day I hear how wonderful others think my work is but it is not the style that I want to own. Any info that you could give to me would be GREAT BLESSING as I want SSOOOOOOOOO BADLY to learn. I hope to hear from you soon.Your fan,Becky Branch

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