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8 Bags of Gummy Worms

April 2, 2012

I started off the morning with a stop at a convenient store.  I bought four bags of brite crawlers, sour gummy worms and one megga millions lottery ticket.  I haven’t checked my ticket yet, so for now you and I are both in suspense about whether or not I won the largest jackpot in history.  You’ll know if the next few posts are things like caviar, truffles, and gold flecked ice cream.

Anyway, for breakfast I had my first bag of brite crawlers.  They were chewy, and delicious.  One of my sixth grade students saw me eating and tried to get me to give up the bag.  I said to get lost, that is was all the food I was eating for the day.  The student was incredulous:

"What about all that talk about healthy eating?"

I explained it as best as I could with a mouth full of semi toxic artificial flavors and sperm withering dies.

"Well you see, it's a sophisticated scientific experiment"

My explanation didn’t go over too well.

"Well your teeth are going to fall out." (Obviously this picture is aged)


Gummy worms are primarily made from sugar and strange chemicals (although there is a strange amount of protein involved as well).  To keep from crashing I decided against eating regular meals, opting instead to eat a worm or two ever few minutes all day.

My first four bags were the super sour, fluorescent, glow in the dark variety.  Here is somebody else’s photo of some such worms:

I have to say, if you ever find yourself in the position of eating gummy candy for sustenance, steer clear of the sour kind.  By bag 3 I was extremely hungry and nauseous.  That’s a combo that is unpleasant and confusing.  I really wanted to eat, but really didn’t want gummy worms.  I sacrificed though, and powered on.

After work I stopped by another convenient store to re-up on my gummy supply.  I grabbed a several bags of non-sour worms.  I was dragging and thirsty so I made another healthy choice.  An extra large diet coke.

Seriously, I felt mortified checking out with a 4 bags of gummy worms and a fountain soda big enough to drown a whale.  I couldn’t quite look the cashier in the eye.  This is how I felt:

"Yeah, I'll be dead by the time I'm 30."

I ate a pack of worms, put a little caffeine in my system and started to feel pretty pumped.

Last year I trained for a marathon with all three of my brothers.  On our 20+ mile trail runs one particular brother (we’ll just call him Crazelnut) would always show up with a bag of gummy worms.  We’d be three hours into the run and he would be singing tv theme songs, cracking jokes, going out of his way to jump over fallen logs and bike ramps, all without a hint of tiredness.  Crazelnut ran more like a puppy that just got let off a leash than somebody who was doing serious distance.  “Gummy worms are the most perfect running food,” he’d swear before launching into another rousing chorus of “Come on Vamanose” by Dora the Explorer.

Anyway, I’m no Crazelnut, but I hit the trail and ran I ran hills for an hour, eating gummies the entire time.  I didn’t keep track of my pace or my distance, but I can tell you that I was dreaming about running an ultra marathon the entire time.  I felt good.

Cost: $6

Performance: Excellent

Fulness factor:  Not good.  I was pretty hungry for most of the day.

Taste: Sweet

X Factor: I could have made a lot of friends if I was feeling more generous.  As it was, I may have compromised a relationship or two.


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  1. This is awesome.

    I will now see gummy worms in a completely new and awe-inspiring light…

  2. Crazelnut permalink

    Come on Vamanos!!!!!

  3. Nice entry! I think I may load up on gummy worms and just swim back to the mainland the next time I am due for a visit!

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