Gross fact #1: Twinkies are not vegetarian. They contain (or perhaps more disturbingly “may contain”) beef fat.
Anyway… I went into this day with dismally low hopes. I thought I would end up feeling like this:
One look at the ingredient list (which is as long and unpronounceable as the untranslated Odyssey) had me questioning whether I be seriously increasing my cancer risks in one day. Five of the ingredients include numbers. Polysorbate 60, for instance. Flipping the box around and looking at the every joyful little Twinkie the Kid offering me a high 5 (as well as some yellow 5) made me feel much better. I think it might do the same for you.
Gross Fact #2: Yellow 5, which give twinkies their delicious lemony coloring is fed to commercially grown egg laying chickens to make the yolks of their eggs more attractive. Don’t take my word for it.
Anyway, I crunched the numbers. With each Twinkie containing 15o calories I would need to eat 13.3333 repeating. I don’t know exactly how to slice a repeating decimal so I rounded up to 14, bringing my caloric count to 2,100.
Thinking that I would be experiencing a lot of sugar rushes and crashes I decided on a careful plan. I would eat 2 Twinkies for breakfast, 1 for a snack, 3 for lunch, 2 for snacks, 3 for dinner, 2 just before running, and 1 after running.
I walked into work and was nearly assaulted by about a dozen kids begging me to share. I hadn’t counted on this, so I told them to go get a life and bother somebody else and leave me alone etc…
I had breakfast with some nice herbal tea, and was surprised to enjoy the experience. Maybe the red 40 in there was causing a psychotic break and making me enjoy it. Anyway here is me eating breakfast:
I started teaching, expecting my mind to shut down and my stomach to cramp up at any second, but probably right after the sugar crash. Strangely though, I felt kind of awesome. My mind was clear. My body was working just fine and I experienced no hunger until 10:30 when I ate another twinkie and felt like $100 right up to lunch.
Lunch was surprisingly satisfying. I didn’t feel a twinge of hunger until 4, when I ate another Twinkie.
Now I had a really long car ride to a conference for work. One guy told me I was not allowed in his car because of twinkie farts. I’ll have you know that this is not a side affect of twinkies. I didn’t get to eat dinner until around 8 though, and by that time I was ravenous. I sat down and had 5 twinkies back to back. This was the first and only time I felt slightly questionable. but I thought it would be a good time to run.
Look. I don’t claim to understand it. All I know is that I felt great. I ran my standard three miles, and felt so good I ran three more. I felt truly unstoppable.
After the run I celebrated with a little bit of desert.
Taste: I tried one the day before the experiment and it was gross. Day of, each one tasted amazing.
Fullness Factor: Amazing. I felt great all day. Way less hunger than on a standard eating day.
X Factor: Know a little kid you want to make friends with? Give it a Twinkie. Know a little kid that you wish would never talk to you again? Eat a Twinkie in front of it without sharing.
Ps. According to my findings so far here is the perfect food:
Gross fact #3: Twinkies are amazing.